I have been working at a place where I have a nice enough time – but something has felt off – since I began. Life was trying to speak to / through me but I wanted to see this opportunity of facilitating classes outside of my studio through as it seemed to offer freedom to spend more time with my 2.5yr old daughter, and earn well.
Now 4 months later, I reflect on the fact that I have been in a constant state of stress. In stress I spend more than I need to, I don’t take care of my body as well as I could, and most of all, I didn’t end up with the time I wanted with my daughter. In fact I ended up missing her for entire days or else dragging her along to my work where she began competing with my clients for my attention, making for hours of tension, embarrassment, feeling not professional..and so on… Eventually I realized there were complaints on all sides: mine, my daughter, and my clients. I started punching numbers into the calculator to see if it was worth it! – this much of potential income minus travel time, minus rent, minus babysitting…etc…
I had to re-evaluate before entering a new Year, semester and 3-6 month commitment.
It hit me when a complaint came about my daughter’s behaviour. This whole situation was pushing her into having to demand for my attention. This isn’t the life I want with her! And it is NOT worth a mere 500-700€ per month!!! No Way!
And yet the world of consumerism, debt, financial ‘success’ still has an affect on me.
Until I walk through this door.
I have been self-employed and exploring consciousness for over 25 years. As I am sculpting my life in consciousness I watch as it is reflected in my business, relationships, and community. There has been much fear / insecurity, and yet over the years, a deepening of Trust in Life and all Creation. I have observed countless, what could be called, ‘miracles’ in my life. I experience this to be an effect of learning to live in alignment with the ‘Source of All that Is’.
I am preparing a ‘Mantra’ Workshop for tomorrow and as I have been preparing the class this week, I felt that an extra 5€ on our current fee would feel like a good balance. Where does this feeling come from?
I didn’t look at my calculator. I felt.
As I was discussing this money, work, live energy investment topic I realized something… when I talked of the job where I was figuring out the worth of €500+ per month…I felt this yucky pull inside me…a forward and downward yanking…and a bit sick… the words I associate with the feeling is GREED. I want, need, must have, fear of lack…
When I spoke of the potential €5 increase on the workshop fee, I felt a centering, dropping to / through the ground, and a relaxation through my previously tense upper body. And breath.
I could breathe!
I went back and forth between ideas / options and feelings….
It doesn’t matter the ‘amount’. Feeling into where we can breathe, and center in our lives, is where there will be more space for what Life truly intends for us…if we can just listen! Deeply, in our bodies.
This isn’t just an idea. It is a practice. One I have been in in my mother’s work for over 30 years. My cells know how to listen. I can choose whether I will or not. I can numb myself with TV, junk food and wine like everyone else… or I can prepare my body to be able to feel / hear what is in alignment with Creation. Meditation, yoga, fresh air, the right books, conscious relationships and conversations, honesty, group-work with consciously evolving beings. Dance! Sound! Singing!
Our workshops offer me this opportunity – to not only share the knowledge I have of how our cells can remember our ‘actual’ Selves – but to continue to nourish my psyche and body with this consciousness and vibrational relationship.